PROFILE OF THE AVERAGE TORY MP

Name: Nigel Adrian Monkeyface Twatshit

Age: 56

Education: St Pervert's Prep School, Snobs Public School, Stuck-Up University

Nickname at School: Wanker, Po-Face, Twatface, Motherf*cker, Idiot, Stinker (take your pick!)

Nickname Now: Cuntface, Tory Bastard, Dickshit, Gormless, Crook, Corrupt Bastard, Sleazeball, Johnny Racist (again take your pick!)

Work Experience: Sitting on his arse doing bugger all and taking all the credit while bullying some poor sod below him on the minimum wage.

Seats Contested prior to being elected: None, this was his father's old seat

Majority: 560 and dwindling with each election

Married?: Yes

Mistresses: Yes (three at the moment but has a gagging order preventing News of The World from publishing details)

Corrupt: Definitely

Minimum Bribe Level: Ridiculously priced dinner at the best restaurant in town with continually flowing drink

Outspoken Views On: Whatever will grab a quick headline

Hobbies: Sending crap press releases to local rag, selling arms to Iraq and Iran at the same time, appearing silly on TV, taking bribes

Future within Tory Party: Future Leader as there will be nobody else thick enough to take the job after the next election defeat