The Stirrer interviews George Wa*ker Bush
Stirrer: Good afternoon Mr President.

GWB: Howdy Stirrer!

Stirrer: Mr President, I'd like to begin this interview on the subject of abortion.

GWB: As you are probably aware, I have strong views on abortion.

Stirrer: I'm just coming to that Mr President.

GWB: My view on the issue is shaped by my own experience

Stirrer: Are your views on abortion shared by your parents, Mr President?

GWB: I'm not really sure on that one, my father always beats around the bush when I try to raise the subject.

Stirrer: Why do you think that is the case Mr President?

GWB: I don't know really, I've never really understood my father.

Stirrer: I can believe that.

Stirrer: Moving on slightly, is there any truth in the rumour that your middle name was inaccurately recorded at birth because your father couldn't spell it correctly?

GWB: I've never heard that rumour.

Stirrer: It's said that your parents placed an "L" where they meant to put an "N".

GWB: Really? It's amazing what you find out as you get older!

Stirrer: I'd like to talk about the environment now Mr President.

GWB: Pardon?

Stirrer: You know Mr President, the environment: Kyoto, gas emissions, natural resources etc.

GWB: My advisors are preparing a policy for my administration at the moment.

Stirrer: Talking of Enron, do you regret your involvement with them?

GWB: I had no direct involvement with Enron.

Stirrer: But your election campaign was partly funded by them.

GWB: Like I said, I had no DIRECT involvement with Enron.

Stirrer: Talking of the election campaign, what would you say to those who said that your brother helped you to cheat your way to the presidency?

GWB: Well, I got the biggest number of votes that were counted in Florida.

Stirrer: Do you think the electoral process was flawed?

GWB: I don't know, but I do know that good ol' JB had a good team to count the votes down there.

Stirrer: To move to the personal side of life once more Mr President, are you a dog lover?

GWB: Yes, I have a dog.

Stirrer: What kind of dog do you have?

GWB: I own a poodle.

Stirrer: What do you call it?

GWB: Tony.

Stirrer: Does he follow all your commands?

GWB: Oh yes, he certainly does!

Stirrer: So he knows who's the master?

GWB: Most definitely!

Stirrer: Do you feed him on pretzels Mr President?

GWB: No, I tend to keep those for myself.

Stirrer: Have one of my pretzels Mr President! (Hoping that the bastard chokes properly this time!)

GWB: Thanks.

Stirrer: Have you any plans to visit England in the near future Mr President?

GWB: Isn't that near London?

Stirrer: Moving onto a slightly different subject Mr President, perhaps we could discuss your foreign policy.

GWB: Go ahead.

Stirrer: Do you believe that any country which invades another should be forcibly removed from that country if at all possible?

GWB: Yes.

Stirrer: Do you believe that sanctions should also be applied to the invading country.

GWB: Most definitely.

Stirrer: Would you offer help to those resisting the invaders?

GWB: I would offer any assistance I could, if at all feasible.

Stirrer: Have you spoken to Mr Sharon lately?

GWB: We were talking just before this interview.

Stirrer: Did you threaten him with sanctions?

GWB: Pardon?

Stirrer: Did you threaten him with sanctions?

GWB: No, we were discussing his order for our latest warplanes built by Boeing.

Stirrer: I would like to raise the subject of the death penalty.

GWB: I firmly believe in the death penalty.

Stirrer: Is it true that some people that you have had executed in your time as Governor of Texas were mentally unfit at the time of their crime?

GWB: They were no more mentally impaired than I am!

Stirrer: Do you believe that the death penalty should be applied in every case of multiple murder?

GWB: Yes.

Stirrer: Including those who do it for political ends?

GWB: No question about that.

Stirrer: Are you still committed to putting leaders of rogue states on trial for war crimes?

GWB: Of course I am.

Stirrer: Do you think that the International Court should be able to impose a death sentence?

GWB: Yes.

Stirrer: Do you intend paying a visit to that court yourself at some point?

GWB: That is a distinct possibility.

Stirrer: Finally Mr President, what is your reaction to the opinion poll carried out recently where 43% of those Americans questioned thought that you should be impeached for being an active heterosexual?

GWB: That's a lie. I'm not an active heterosexual. I'm a churchgoer. Those people are an abomination. They are damned to hell when they die.

Stirrer: Mr President, thank you very much for this forthright interview.

GWB: My pleasure.